The unexamined life is not worth living.
– Socrates
As a black belt I often think about how I got to where I am right now and about what all happened in between starting to practice Taekwondo to lose weight to now actually passing on what I have learned thus far to others.
When I started to practice Taekwondo, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. If someone a few years ago had told me that I would be a black belt at one point, I would have asked them what they are having and if I could have some as well.
Belt promotions were not even on my bucket list when I started, they seem to just happen every time my instructor told me I was ready to progress to the next higher rank while handing me my test form. Yet, despite his confidence in me, I was generally nervous and anxious and doubted myself more than anything before every single belt test. Yet, despite my feelings, I think the whole process of earning higher rank(s) has also motivated me in many ways to move on. And it has certainly helped me to completely step out of my own comfort zone and to truly start to learn what I am not good at: sparring (and I am still a work in progress).
Everything seemed to move along just fine until I was a blue belt. Then things changed. My life and health resembled more of a roller-coaster than a straight path, which of course, was reflected in my Taekwondo practice. Everything was really hit and miss, to the point that would measure how well I was or felt by how well I would execute certain techniques. I really had no idea what was going on with me, just for one thing, thingswere not normal, and that I had some serious issues keeping up with advancing in my training because of something happening with and in my body. All this required my journey to be like a jog as opposed to a sprint, and yes, I was tired. At one point, my body just ached and I started to be in almost constant pain. Every kick to my body hurt beyond belief, kicks and “pain” that previously had not bothered me much. Ever move became an exercise in and by itself, just simply by convincing my mind that I had to move. I started to have odd rashes, and it was at that point that I decided to finally see my doctor, simply, because rashes tend to cause me concern because they are usually a secondary symptom of something else going on in the body. After what seemed a gazillion tests and months later, I was diagnosed with some form of Lupus, which required me to change many things in my life to be able to control my life and not have my life controlled by some odd autoimmune issue: I had to change how I ate and exercise more, especially on days when I felt that I don’t want to or that I could not endure another blow to my body. I decided that giving up was not an option and that if I had chosen that option, I would have something else control me – instead, I chose to control what I like to call “the thing.” This strategy worked out well, until I earned my red belt, when things started to go crazy again and when many things happened in my life that I had no control over, but that affected me.
As I mentioned, I did not start to practice TKD to become a black belt. However, the further I moved along in belt ranking, the more I learned what everything means. To me, the red belt became a transition phase into something completely new and different. The process from moving on from there however was yet another memorable roller-coaster ride. There were many extraneous circumstances that at times prevented me from being as focused as I could and wanted to be. I was in the process of entering the research process of my dissertation (which, of course, was focused on Taekwondo), learned that my better half would deploy for at least six months (with the possibility of the deployment being one year) with only three weeks notice to get ready to be a temporary single mom of two boys. And of course, during that time, it seemed that I was really tested as an athlete to perform at my best, while my lovely body was getting a bit weaker on occasion. I partialy teared a ligament in my knee and had to overcome multiple other injuries that didn’t allow me to test for a year combined with the relentless self-questioning of what on earth I was doing to my body.
During that period, there were many times that I thought about just throwing in the towel and to quit. There were many talks with my wonderful instructor, who was fully aware of what was going on in my life outside the dojang and who encouraged me to continue on my path and to not quit, but to just take my time. So I kept on moving along, learned more patterns and found my niche in Taekwondo, helping others learn and teach Taekwondo. So, looking back, in many ways, despite many set-backs, that was probably the period in my development as a martial artist that shaped me in so many ways: realizing that I want to give back what I know and realizing that I can do it, maybe not necessarily on the schedule that I thought I would like to be one ideally, but on a schedule that was mine to control and work with.
Once I “recovered” from broken bones in my foot and the knee injury, I found myself in the dojang almost every day of the week for months in a row, training harder than ever to get ready for the big day. Even though I felt pretty confident in my ability to test, the closer the testing date got, the more doubts I had about everything: my ability to do well, whether I was ready or not. When the day arrived, despite my nervousness, I did well, actually, according to my instructor, it was the best he has ever seen me during a test. I think that was because I simply remember the mantra passed on to all of us by him since day one, when testing, “have fun” and “enjoy the moment,” but “be the best that you can be!”
Looking back, I could have never gotten to where I am now just by myself. Had it not been for the constant and consistent encouragement from my instructor, I would most likely have given up. The same holds true for the constant encouragement from my senior ranking Taekwondo sisters and brothers, who have also pushed me along and who will forever be my great role models in so many ways. And most of all, it could not have been possible without the belief that my husband and sons had in me, that I could do it. I also believe that my healthy dose of self-doubt also made me focus harder, particularly on those skills that I have a harder time with. I also believe that it was the incredible sense of friendship inside our dojang and the feeling that all students regardless of rank are in so many ways my brothers and sisters in the sport – a community of like-minded individuals who share and try their best every day to live Taekwondo in their lives.
But what I learned most of all during this journey is that one can overcome difficulty and hardship, somehow, by making a few changes here and there in one’s lifestyle and that it is perfectly fine to deviate from a planned path onto paths unknown, which in and by itself led to a great amount of self-discovery!
What I do know though is that I am loving every moment of being an assistant instructor now, that I now can truly teach and give back to junior students what I have learned and how I am now able to pass on century-old traditions to others and help students by teaching that the tenets of Taekwondo can and certainly should be lived outside the dojang as well!